(A letter to Lucas)
I started praying so hard that my baby would be fine. I was willing to undergo any procedure as long as my Lucas will be fine. Two years of waiting to have a baby and 36 weeks of being healthy and cautious, I was willing to walk through fire.
Your dad broke the ice after the OB told him that I will be undergoing a CS when he asked, “Does that mean that the second baby will also be delivered through CS?”. I was like, “Why are you thinking of the second baby already? I haven’t even given birth to the first one!”. Well at least that made me relax a bit.
After signing some waiver and papers, I was wheeled in to the Delivery Room. It was a very weird feeling seeing the ceiling lights as you pass by. It was like a scene from a movie. I remember scenes from House or E.R. In the delivery room, I asked the nurse how soon would the sedation take effect because I wasn’t feeling drowsy and we were about to start the procedure. Hey, I did not want to be cut open still wide awake. The nurse said in a couple of minutes. When I turned on my side and about to get the epidural, everything went black. I did not get to feel the epidural nor the procedure. My first recall after that was being in a dream-like state and hearing somebody say, “you’re in the recovery room”.I remember being transferred to my bed in the room and I hear Mama and your Dad’s voices. I was still too tired to talk, and I fell asleep again.
I woke up around 9 and I saw Mama sleeping. Dad came in and asked how I am. I was wondering when you would be roomed in, he started to answer by saying, “Here’s the thing…”. Right then I knew something was not right. I learned that you are healthy but during the procedure, they found out that you had already pooped inside me. You had to stay to the nursery to undergo some tests.
I convinced myself that I had to be strong. That I should be able to walk that afternoon so I can visit you. The nurse opened the door carrying a tiny baby and I whispered to Dad, is that him? But even before he said yes, I knew it was you. You looked like Dad. When I held you I can’t explain how I felt. I can still feel it now as I write this down. It’s like the feeling when you receive a new toy, or when you know we’d be going to a place that you really, really like. There’s warmth and a little nervousness, but definitely happy. I did feel heartbroken when I saw that you had a hep lock on left arm. It almost held your whole arm. And I held you exactly the same way I would hold you now. Gently, lovingly, joyously.
You had to stay for a week to complete your meds. I was crying on the day that I was going home. Because I was going home without you. How can any mom leave her new-born son to the hospital? But I had to. Because you had to be well. I visited you everyday. And for at least an hour I held you. One hour is short for a new mom to spend time with her baby. But that hour completed my day.
And when the time came that I can bring you home, I had everything ready at home. And as we walked out of the nursery I whispered to your tiny ear, “welcome to our world, Lucas.”
Fast forward to today, the tiny baby that melt my heart then, has just turned to a toddler and you still melt my heart everytime to laugh, cry or just simply stare at me curiously.
Happy birthday* sweetie. I love you as big as the universe.
*Lucas’ birthday is Feb 8