Of two things.
This little boy; Him and all the adventures that I experience with him coming to my life. Before I had him, my life was pretty predictable, thank you very much. I had a routine with my husband, my family, my friends, my work. When I had him, everything is now a surprise. I was seeing and learning so many things about him and about this new role that I have that I can no longer keep track. So I blog. I want to capture in words and photos all the wonderful days with this twister of a boy. He is unique, and yet like any other toddler, he is curious and fragile and sweet and adorably mischievous. I want to capture it all because all of it will never happen again.
It was never always happy times when I had him. I have shared in my posts before that I experienced post-partum depression. I was left alone at home with a new born because I did not have the support that I needed. I understand because my husband was working, Mama was also working, but they both tried their best to be with me as much as I can. On the days when I was left alone, I was confused, and scared, and tired. I was crying all the time because I wanted to feel that motherly joy that I’ve read in books every time I look at my son but I couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I love my baby. The moment I saw him and carried him in my arms, I knew I could take a bullet for him. No, I would dodge the bullet with him because I have to live for him. But the excited, happy, ethereal feeling just wasn’t there. I guess I was scared.
Until I started reading blogs. Reading posts from other moms made me feel that I am not alone. It made me realize that there are so many moms out there who feel the same confusion and fear as I was. I learned from their experiences that they so willingly shared. The best part is it took me out of my depression and slowly, I felt that joy every time I see my son. I wasn’t scared anymore.
This is the other reason why I blog. I want to pay it forward. I want to be able to reach out to other moms who are probably experiencing similar things that I have and hopefully make them feel that they are not alone. I want to show that motherhood is not easy, but it is a wonderful, wonderful feeling and I would not trade it for the riches of the world.
Blogging has done so much for me. I have gained new friends through blogging: other lovely mommies who are willing to share. I feel more confident because here, I can share my thoughts, my worries, my craziness, and I receive comments from others that they feel the same way. Most of all, when my Lucas and future children are older, they have something to look back to. Something that neither picture nor video can ever capture: My heart in words.